you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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