when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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