Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
