I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
