I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
