If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
