I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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