I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!