Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
