I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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