WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
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he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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