New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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