Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
