A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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