we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
