don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
