I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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