have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
