put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
pray to the hookup gods
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
