my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
