i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
