its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
