1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
