I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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