i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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