when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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