I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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