i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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