My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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