Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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