My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
