I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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