I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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