Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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