East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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