yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
