How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
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I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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