I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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