I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
These tits shall not be calmed
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