I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
