if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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