I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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