Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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