I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
