So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
