I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
