As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
