I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
