If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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