Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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