I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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