Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
