Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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