if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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