These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
