When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
