my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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