Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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