In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
3 2 1 whiskey
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
