You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
