bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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