you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
